Thursday, September 23, 2010

I have a heavy heart

Today is 7 months.

Seven months of not talking to my momma. Not sharing my life with her. Seven months of memories that she isn't a part of. Seven months of phone calls, cards, emails, comments, talks that will never be. Seven months.

I am fine most of the time. But nearing the 23rd of each month my heart sinks. I become sad. Depressed, even. It's just hard. I am sure it always will be. I like to believe I am a strong person. But there are times.. times like now that I feel so very weak. Most people, in my real life, would never know. I am good at hiding it because I don't won't to be pitied. I don't want to burden anyone and frankly, it embarrasses me for people to see me vulnerable.

It probably doesn't help that it seems like so many people around me are suffering right now. So many people are dealing with losses, scary surgeries, newborn babies who are born sick, etc. Just so many people suffering.

I almost feel like at times that I should "just get over it already". I mean, other than a few people here and there.. everyone else seems to be past my momma's death. Life for them just kept going. My life, part of it anyway, ended. I will never again have a mother to talk to. My kids will never have a Gramsie to share time with. That part is over, forever.

I have been reading a devotional type book over the last few days. It's called, "God's in the Tough Stuff". In a section I read today it said in so many words that there are times we wonder where God is while we are suffering. Because it seems like He is gone when our hearts are the heaviest. When we are in the most pain. But yet He's there. He will never leave us nor forsake us. God knows a thing or two about suffering. He sent His one and only Son to die on the cross. He watched His Son suffer and He did that for me. He is in my suffering. He is in the midst.. pulling me through. Guiding me.

I take hope from that. Because that's what I know to be true. But, as a human, I feel very much alone. Very much left to deal with the shattered pieces myself. But once I am through the valley. Through the pain (at least for that period) I can see how He pulled me through.

I miss my momma. But she is no longer suffering. She no longer has pain or sadness. That's something that, even in my own suffering, I can take comfort in.