Sunday, November 7, 2010

That grass may not really be greener.. it may just be Astroturf.

I hate comparing. I hate when people compare my oldest son to my youngest son.. or vise versa. I hate when people sit around and talk about how much money they make, or how big their house is. I hate when I talk to people and in my own head I am thinking, "Yep.. I have done that.. Yep, done that too. Yeah.. I did that put I added this or that.. -or- Dang, why can't I do that. Why haven't I thought of that. Why am I not as put together as that...etc. etc. etc. etc.


Something else I hate. Feeling like less of a person because I am a stay-at-home mom. But not just any stay-at-home mom. But one who doesn't have some "side job" that I can do to bring in a little extra money. I have racked my brain over and over trying to think of just something I could do to feel like I contribute to the household income. And there are plenty of options. But none of which leave me with the amount of time I want to still be able to spend time with my kids and to get all the other household stuff taken care of.

I hate when I say that my job is being a wife and mother. Because while it's not a job.. but it is a job. If that makes any sense. I love my kids. I love, love, love my husband. They are my life. They aren't jobs. The house, on the other hand, is my job. And I take it seriously.. to an extent. I figure, God gave me this I am going to take care of it. To be a good steward of what He has given me. So it is my job.

I have seen people in my circle and extended circle of friends do both paths of motherhood.. or even womanhood. They work and have kids. Or they just work and have no kids. Or they stay at home. And every single one of them longs to be the other.

Why is that? Why do we always look to the other side. Why are we always seeing if maybe there is something better. We always feel like we are missing out on something.

I do it. And I hate it when I do. My current struggle is contentment. I long to just be content. Happy with what I have been given. To look around and know that the best is right in front of me. Healthy kids, healthy husband. Kent has a good job that he loves. There is food on the table. Clothes on our backs. We have cars that get us where we need to go. We have friends, family, church family that love and support us. What isn't to be content about?

It boils down to me. I am just not content with me. I feel I can be better, do better... And in a sense that is OK. To not become idle or slack. To want to grow and learn and better myself. To grow in my walk with God. I don't want to be content to just be. But I do want to be content with what God has given me.

It's a struggle.. but one that I am hoping is making me stronger.. wiser.

1 comment:

Taking Heart said...

... very well put. Contentment is something we always strive for... but will never be fully content until we are in Heaven with Jesus. That is life... it changes all of the time with little or no notice. God never wants us to get to comfortable or settled... because He wants us to always long for something... HIM! Rejoice in your "uncontentment"... it is not such a bad thing... embrace the fact that you are doing your best in this moment... and that life is full of the opening and shutting of doors... hard and easy doors... and then one day... we will finally be HOME!

I love that song by Selah, "Unredeemed." It says it all, "life breaks and falls apart... but we know, these are... places where grace is... soon to be... so amazing..."