My computer desk/area is a mess. I mostly blame this on my husband. Because most of the junk laying all over is his. And I don't know what I can throw away and what I can't. But some of the blame falls on me. Some of this junk is mine as well. Still.. most of it is his.
There has been a vanilla envelope sitting on the desk for over 5 months now. It is filled with every sympathy card, note, newspaper clipping, etc. from my momma's passing. I have left it there, because I wasn't really ready to put it away. I don't really know why, I just wasn't. But today, I looked at it and told myself it was time to put it away in my memories box. So, I opened it up and read a few of the cards and letters. I broke down. And I am tearing up even as I type this. I had forgotten that I put an empty envelope in there. Couldn't remember why I had done that until I flipped it over and realized it was one of the last cards my momma sent me. I saved the envelope because it had my momma's handwriting on it. I held it close and cried. I wanted my momma back and not just her handwriting. I want my momma back and not just her handwriting.
I thought that surely after 5+ months of her being gone, that I would have come to grips with her passing. And mostly, I have. But there are moments, days that it just hits me hard. Takes my breath away. Makes me ask why. I have come to realize that the hole in my life that she left is just the way it is going to be. There is no undoing it, it isn't a dream and I am not going to wake up to my old life. This is it.
I have noticed that when I am really missing her, that I usually will dream about her. And I did that last night. I don't really remember the dream, but I just know she was in it. I'll take whatever I can get.
After putting all the cards and letters back into the envelope I went and put it all in my memories box. I had another good little cry and that was that. Another attempt to move forward. Taking it one step, one day at a time.