Thursday, August 5, 2010

Another step

My computer desk/area is a mess. I mostly blame this on my husband. Because most of the junk laying all over is his. And I don't know what I can throw away and what I can't. But some of the blame falls on me. Some of this junk is mine as well. Still.. most of it is his.

Moving on...

There has been a vanilla envelope sitting on the desk for over 5 months now. It is filled with every sympathy card, note, newspaper clipping, etc. from my momma's passing. I have left it there, because I wasn't really ready to put it away. I don't really know why, I just wasn't. But today, I looked at it and told myself it was time to put it away in my memories box. So, I opened it up and read a few of the cards and letters. I broke down. And I am tearing up even as I type this. I had forgotten that I put an empty envelope in there. Couldn't remember why I had done that until I flipped it over and realized it was one of the last cards my momma sent me. I saved the envelope because it had my momma's handwriting on it. I held it close and cried. I wanted my momma back and not just her handwriting. I want my momma back and not just her handwriting.

I thought that surely after 5+ months of her being gone, that I would have come to grips with her passing. And mostly, I have. But there are moments, days that it just hits me hard. Takes my breath away. Makes me ask why. I have come to realize that the hole in my life that she left is just the way it is going to be. There is no undoing it, it isn't a dream and I am not going to wake up to my old life. This is it.

I have noticed that when I am really missing her, that I usually will dream about her. And I did that last night. I don't really remember the dream, but I just know she was in it. I'll take whatever I can get.

After putting all the cards and letters back into the envelope I went and put it all in my memories box. I had another good little cry and that was that. Another attempt to move forward. Taking it one step, one day at a time.

4 comments:

Dana said...

I find myself grasping for words when I read something like this. But I know there are none..

Praying that there will be no more trips made that direction for anything but happy times for a very long time.. And, that others will find hope and refreshment from your honesty.

Taking Heart said...

The love you two share is obviously something sacred, special, and precious beyond words. May God bring you peace and comfort until you can hug her again.

Brandi said...

(((hugs)))

Karen said...

I teared up reading this. You and your family are always in my prayers. (((())))