Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Time keeps ticking on

When I found out my momma died the world seemed to stop. Time wasn't relevant at that point. It seemed like everything just stood still. As we were driving back to Alabama I watched all the cars drive by. Saw people going in and out of stores and gas stations. Their lives were still going. Didn't they know my momma just died? Of course not. But I felt like the whole world should have known and that everyone should be walking around with a sad face and red puffy eyes. I wanted everyone to look and act just like I was. The world didn't really stop and time didn't stand still. People's lives were still moving on. That day and the days that followed I wondered if life would ever start moving again.

It did. Thankfully. And at the same time I look in the mirror and think.. should my world really be spinning again. Shouldn't I make it, want it to stand still longer. Out of respect or mourning or something? The answer is no. I shouldn't want my life to stop just because my momma died. She wouldn't want it to and I would be doing an injustice to the very God that created life by not living the life He has granted me for the time being. Her time is over, not mine. So many times I just want to stay in bed, stuff my face with food or just sit in front of the TV.. while stuff my face with food. I just want my life and the people in it to stop moving, to stop spinning and to just leave me alone to mope. But again, if I do that I am not living. My momma would be disappointed and so sad if she knew that I let her death stop my life.

So instead, I am living. Granted there are still times and days that I still just ask the world to stop.. for my life's activities to stop for that time because my heart is so heavy. But then I look around. See my kids, see that they have a life ahead of them and their lives continuing on depends on my life continuing so.. so we continue on. Some days it like walking around with cement blocks on my feet, but we make it. And that's how life after a death is. Sometimes all you can do it just make it. And that's OK.

It's OK because if I didn't carry on I wouldn't see my baby girl and her daddy dancing in the kitchen. I wouldn't be able to take my kids to register for school. Or see my two handsome boys and their new haircuts.

I wouldn't share amazing hugs with my husband or long conversations with new friends.

My life now is so different than it was almost 2 months ago. It changed, a lot. And some of those changes have been great ones. Ones that wouldn't have happened otherwise. My momma was an amazing woman with a social, outgoing personality. And I didn't inherit that.. not one bit. But through her death, I saw what an impact she had because of it and I am trying to model myself into doing the same. And I can't do that if I don't decide each and everyday to carry on.

I love you momma and while my heart is heavy I continue to carry on so that your memory, your grandchildren and your daughter can live on.


Brenda said...

What truth are in your words today...I too felt the same when Tommy died...happy to finally know others feel the was hard to see people happy.....but because of our daughter life had to move forward...our hearts are always missing a piece when when someone we love leaves us. But because of great memories and knowing that one day we will be together keeps us going...Thanks for sharing your blog today....thinking of Candy Sue and her birthday next week...Call if you ever need anything.

Brandi said...

((((Emily)))) You are doing a wonderful job. I love the new pictures of the kids :)

Tiffany Lockette said...

What a great and truthful post.

Amanda said...

((((Emily))) I can't imagine what you are going through. We are still praying for you. You are right though your mama wouldn't want you to sit around and be sad. She's in a much better place then we are! <3 My aunt passed away almost a year ago. She was was more like another mama to me and a grandma to the kids. We miss her so much :( I still have days that I cry and think why? why did this have to happen? She had cancer and died 3 months after she found out. She would cry and tell me that all she wanted was to see my kids grow up :( BTW.. how are your kids handling it all?

Nathans new hair cut makes him look like a big boy! Where did your baby go??

Taking Heart said...

Probably the most beautiful post I have ever written by you. Thank you for sharing your heart. My prayers are with you Emily... you are a light...

God bless,

Karen said...

(((Emily))) you are doing an amazing job. Good for you for realizing your momma would want you to go on living a happy life. I know she's looking down on all of you with a smile. If you haven't already check out the the Sesame Street episode that came out a few weeks ago "When Families Grieve".

Kristine said...

(((E))) Lovely post. :)