It's nearing the one year mark.
A whole year without my momma. I guess because February is coming up soon, my momma has been on my heart and mind a lot. I have played and replayed that day over and over in my head. Usually many times in one day.
Until you lose someone, there is just no way to explain the hurt. And to lose someone so suddenly.. there just aren't words to describe how my heart feels most days.
The day my momma passed away was a normal day to me. The whole day leading up to it went just like it always did. But hindsight and knowing what I believe in, I know that I had extra heavenly presence with me that day. That Jesus, while He is always with me, probably held me tighter or carried me more that day than normal. He knew what was in my future, because He was already there.
When I talked to my momma that afternoon, she sounded so peaceful. And it's hard to explain how you can hear in someone's voice peace. But before we had barely hung up the phone I remember thinking how happy and peaceful she sounded.. for no reason at all. Again, knowing what I believe, Jesus was standing right there beside her.. waiting for her to get off the phone with me so He could take her home.
When my daddy called to tell me my momma had passed away Jesus was there. He held me through my husband's arms, through my kids arms, while I was standing in my closet crumpled on the floor holding the clothes I knew I would be wearing at my momma's funeral. He was there in all those moments.
God was with me in the prayers of those who prayed for me that evening and who have continued to pray for my family and me as we've gone through this almost year.
The one moment that sticks out the most to me is something I haven't shared with anyone( well, Kent will read this before it's published). I've kept it very close to my heart. We were traveling the 4+ hours it takes to get from here to Alabama and I was crying off and on the whole way. At one point while crying uncontrollably I remember mumbling to God to just let me feel His presence. To let me know that He was by my side. To let me know He was there. And while I believe God doesn't just out right talk to people all the time (I know He has and probably still does in some cases) I heard Him say, "I AM". I know no one else heard it. And I'm not sure it was audible. It's rather hard to explain. It was almost like I could feel the words coming in my ear (right ear to be exact). I know it sounds weird or odd to some. But when I heard those words, just a flood of peace fell over me. I knew then and there that God was very present and would get me through. During my hardest days or even moments, I let my mind go back to that moment and let it remind me that God is still with me. He didn't leave and He won't leave.
God is in every moment. Past, present and future. There isn't a moment that surprises Him or catches Him off guard. He knew before time became how February 23, 2010, would unfold. He knows how everyday will unfold. Take peace in the fact that the great 'I AM' is always present.
He will never leave you nor forsake you.