Wednesday, January 26, 2011

And release...

I used to exercise... a lot.  Even after having Zoey.  Two kids under the age of 2 and I was in the gym 3+ days a week.  Steadily running mile after mile.  I did exercise videos, made up my own stuff, etc.  I remember standing in some weird position that the newest lady on the TV had put me in and thinking, "Is she ever going to say release?"

For the past almost year, I have been saying the same thing.  "God, are you ever going to say release?"  Release from this heavy burden that I have been carrying.  Release from guilt and regret.  Release from feeling that my world is upside down.  Release from not being able to focus because my mind always wonders back to the last time I talked to her.  Release from feeling like the odd man out of my own marriage (no direct fault to my husband) because he still has his mom (that sounds incredibly selfish and probably is, but it's just the truth of my feelings).  Release from worrying if I am going to lose my daddy next.  Release from worrying that I am going to be next and then my children will have to carry this sometimes unbearable burden.  Just release me already!

A few nights ago I was laying in my bed, unable to sleep, and I just started praying.  Talking with God like He was laying on the pillow beside me.  Asking Him questions, telling Him my heart, asking for forgiveness...  I believe I fell asleep while praying.  That next morning I woke up to a release.  A peaceful release.

Not to say that my world was just totally turned back to the way it was.  Or that my heart still didn't ache or long for things to be the way they used to be.  But the burden was lifted.

My pastor preached Sunday morning on Matthew 7:7-11.  Most people know the first verse, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."  You hear that first verse a lot when seeing certain "preachers" on TV.  But it's not something instant, like they would have you to believe.  Sometimes you have to ask, and ask, and ask.  Sometimes you have to seek, and seek, and seek.  Knock, and knock, and knock.  And even then God doesn't have to answer the way we think He should.  Or at all.

When I was in that weird position while exercising, just waiting for the lady to say release, I was growing stronger.  My body was being put to the test and while it hurt and I didn't like it, I was stronger in the end than when I first started.  I was released.  But then she would say a new position and back at it I went.

Same goes for me now.  I am in a weird position.  A hard position.  And will continue to be.  It hurts, I don't like it and I just want to be released.  But at the very same time I am stronger, more able, more connected to God.  I long for the day of a perfect, forever release.  But until then, back to my weird position.  Growing stronger in my walk with Him everyday.