Sunday, March 14, 2010


It's hardest in the silence.
When a movie is playing and my mind has a chance to wonder.
It's hardest when my kids do something amazing and I just wanted to share.
It's hardest when I can't sleep and my mind won't stop racing.
It's hardest when I look at my account and see a fee.
It's hardest when I see a place that we could go on the next visit.
It's hardest when I see something Auburn.
It's hardest when I see my daddy and expect my momma to be right beside him.

I don't write these things to make others sad or even myself sad. I write them to get them out. These things bounce around in my head until I finally type them out.

I read today about how it's the little things. When you really look back on your life, what is it that you remember and cherish? What is it that people remember about you? It's the little things. The card, the quick call to check in, the hug, a shoulder, a held hand, a prayer.. The little things that amount to a big thing.

My heart still aches. It's an unexplainable ache that is always present but can be lived through. I laugh and think.. how can I laugh when my heart still aches? But I do. My mind still hasn't wrapped around the fact that this will be my new normal. I sometimes think, but I only got 26 years. Why not more? But even as I type this, I am thinking.. it could have been less. So be grateful for the 26. Be grateful for the times I did have and try not to dwell on the times I won't have.

But it's hard.


TnL's Mommy said...

You said all that so well!! Bless your heart for the pain that you feel. It is a pain that I know all too well about. One that I don't want anyone to have to feel. I lost mine 3 1/2 years ago already and there are days that it hits me like it just happened again. I still wonder when will the pain lessen...just take each moment or day at a time. That is what I have learned to do! You are an amazing person!!

Kelly Dawn said...

Emily - this is part of the healing process and you are doing it the right way - so many people dont - they are angry and they take it out on other people and they forget to realize that others are hurting too - you are a beautiful wonderful woman and you will walk thru it :) I feel this still and its been 6 years since i lost my baby brother -

Thinking of you every day...


Tiffany Lockette said...

Emily - you are going through the grieving process and it's not easy and won't be for a long time. Just keep the faith that you know exactly where your mama is and that she is watching over you and your family. Thinking of you and praying for peace in your heart.

Bridgett said...

*big, squishy, hugs*