It's hardest in the silence.
When a movie is playing and my mind has a chance to wonder.
It's hardest when my kids do something amazing and I just wanted to share.
It's hardest when I can't sleep and my mind won't stop racing.
It's hardest when I look at my account and see a fee.
It's hardest when I see a place that we could go on the next visit.
It's hardest when I see something Auburn.
It's hardest when I see my daddy and expect my momma to be right beside him.
I don't write these things to make others sad or even myself sad. I write them to get them out. These things bounce around in my head until I finally type them out.
I read today about how it's the little things. When you really look back on your life, what is it that you remember and cherish? What is it that people remember about you? It's the little things. The card, the quick call to check in, the hug, a shoulder, a held hand, a prayer.. The little things that amount to a big thing.
My heart still aches. It's an unexplainable ache that is always present but can be lived through. I laugh and think.. how can I laugh when my heart still aches? But I do. My mind still hasn't wrapped around the fact that this will be my new normal. I sometimes think, but I only got 26 years. Why not more? But even as I type this, I am thinking.. it could have been less. So be grateful for the 26. Be grateful for the times I did have and try not to dwell on the times I won't have.
But it's hard.