Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Far too long

Wow. I have let this thing go. Almost 10 days. We have been busy. But I have mostly just lacked motivation to write. To even take pictures. The past few days have been rough. Don't really know why. Well.. dread is why. I had to endure my first Mother's Day without a mother. And really, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I handled it pretty well. I knew it was coming.. I dreaded it like a plague and then all was well. My kids and husband showered me with gifts and cards. I got a new watch, a new iPod, some new earrings, cards, cards made by the kids. It was a really good day. Even got a nap in. But the last 2 or 3 days.. man.. I have been in a deep funk. Depressed even. And I don't use that word lightly. Trust me. I have had no motivation to cook, clean, play, get out and about.. nothing. I just want to sit and do nothing. I have been fighting it with all my might and it's wearing me down. And then on top of that Nathan isn't sleeping well at night. Not that he really ever has. I guess just coupled with everything else it's worn on me more than usual. Tomorrow is my birthday. I have already cried a bucket of tears because my momma won't be here. She birthed me and now she's not here. I, as a momma, always take pride in my kids' birthdays.. because, heck.. I birthed them. Without me they wouldn't have been born.. ya know? So to know that tomorrow.. I will be celebrating a day that I came into this world because my momma wanted me to.. and yet she's not here. It's sad. And really it's hitting me harder than I thought it would. Sucks even. Oh well. I knew it was coming and now that I have had a good cry over it, maybe tomorrow won't be so bad. I am hoping so even. Tomorrow my theme song will be.. "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to". And to add to my valley of a mood.. Jon Kent is sick and running a temp. Really bad cough. Really hoping it's not pneumonia.. He keeps holding to his chest during a deep cough. Lovely. Momma duty calls.. even when it's your birthday.


PS: Truly sorry this is such a sucky post. It is my life right now.


4 comments:

TnL's Mommy said...

Bless your heart Emily!! I know too well all those things you are describing. I, like you, was dreading Mother's day so bad!! In face since my Mom died, I would be fine to not have any holiday but oh well....

But you have wonderful family, husband and children!! Happy Birthday tomorrow and I hope you get to enjoy your day somehow!

Hugs to you!!

Taking Heart said...

Emily... the tears just fall when I read your very raw and broken hearted post. So very true that we birth those babies to love and to grow them up. We love them so much it hurts... and you are mourning such a loss that is unfathomable. Untouchable. You want your mamma back. But she loved you so much it hurt, too. She loved you as deep and wide as you love your boys and precious baby girl.

And I've never met her or you in person... but I've read your heart on this blog for many years enough to know that in your life... you are surrounded by unmistakable... full love. And you are who you are... you love the way you love... because your mamma loved you that much.

Heaven is richer... cling on to the ones you love on this side of Heaven... and pray to the one who promises the day you will meet with your sweet mamma once again... to spend eternity.

Your tears are collected... they are a treasure to the Lord.

I encourage you to mourn... to laugh... to savor tender moments.

A journal would be a great place to spend time with your mother... write to her when you feel like you need her... write to her when the children meet a milestone... write to her when your heart breaks a little more. She will meet you there... God will meet you there... and then grace comes.

I encourage you to google this song... it is my life's song... and I go to it when I am broken hearted... brings me such peace. It's called Unredeemed by Selah... google the video so you can hear the beauty and pain... I hope you can find your peace.

Happy Mother's Day Dear Emily. Happily mothered... and happily a mother.

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Tiffany Lockette said...

Emily - thinking of you today, wishing I could do something to raise your spirits but wishing you a Happy Birthday regardless. Hang in there. Still praying for you.

Brandi said...

Happy Birthday Emily. I keep saying a prayers for you because I know how tough it is to carry on when a parent has left this world. (((hugs)))